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People often expect this answer to be a strange tale, but actually it's rather straight-forward. I was living in India in the late 1980s and got involved with women's sexual health and family planning. This is when my first interest in sexuality started to grow, but I still believed I would "grow up and become an English Literature Professor". Then at the University of California, Santa Barbara in the early 1990s, HIV and safer sex became the hot topics everyone was talking about, and I got involved on campus with teaching sexuality education and promoting safer sex behaviours. From there my English Literature Professor dreams took a backseat as I realised I was far more interested in sex! So I became involved with sex education, family planning, HIV prevention education, sex therapy, and then headed to graduate school, wrote my first book at 23, started the media rounds, and began to really cement my career in sexology. I pursued a lot of teaching and writing avenues in sexuality, finished my PhD in Sexology and have just kept going ever forward in the field, both academically, and in the public eye. Once bitten never shy I guess. Once I found the field, I found my 'calling'.
Ah, this old familiar question ... Women tend to react with either an 'Oh wow, how cool, tell me everything you know, spill it now', kind of reaction, or I get an aloof reaction - some are jealous, and some are rather uncomfortable around me. Some are genuinely interested in learning about my background; they usually want to grill me with questions and then are happy to progress onto other topics and aren't interested in only what I do for a living, but who I am as well. As far as men go, a good friend of mine observed men with me in public for a number of months, several years ago, and determined two types: Type A and Type B. Type A is the over excited, oh yeah this woman can teach me a lot (either practically or verbally) and I want to know everything from her because she is the sex diva know it all fantasy expert who can make me a stud in bed type. And Type B is shy or embarrased or insecure or introverted or intimidated or would rather change the subject or leave the room altogether. Yes, I sometimes get men who are genuinely interested in my job, not me, ... or me, not my job, but they are few and far between!
Well in a way because sex is funny - and fun! Sex is so many things, and look at how many sex jokes abound. We love to joke about sex. It's a ribald topic. It's also a subject that makes many people feel uncomfortable, so humour is an effective way to diffuse that. I never - or rarely, I try not to - use offensive humour, but rather use slang and funny anecdotes to put people at ease. Even my company name, Bananas and Melons, uses quirky, humourous slang! The name, Bananas and Melons, was born partly to reflect the humourous side of sex, and my speaking style, and partly because the euphemisms of bananas for penises and melons for breasts reflect how in many ways, in many countries, we still don't talk frankly or naturally openly about sex. Often people get uncomfortable when in my company - that of a sex expert - so by using humour, we relate on an equal level. Sexuality is a universal experience, and it can be very, very good, very bad and also hysterically funny. I like using humour to get people to open up, to relate, to understand and to relax.
When I polled people for my book URGE, I found that the answer to what makes sex great, whether it was a one night stand or a lifelong monogamous relationship, involved the element of 'connection'. Great sex isn't about one particular technique or body part, but more about feeling connected with your partner. Yes, orgasm is important and fabulous, but it's not everything. Sex isn't only about intercourse and it isn't a goal oriented staircase of behaviours leading to the Big O. Great sex is meandering through a range of sensual and sexual turn ons and behaviours. It's not pressured and it's not singularly goal directed. Sometimes it can be a frantic passionate quickie in the shower before spending the day apart, and sometimes it can be a whole day in bed lavishing love all over each other, slowly, languidly. And everything in between and more. Electrifying sex is maximising what turns you and your partner on and eroticising the whole of both your bodies. How you get there is up to you....
I used to say, "No, never!" and that was because I was researching my book, URGE, and also trawling for opinions and perspectives for my columns, classes and radio and TV segments, however after many years of having most social discussions revolve around sex, yes, I can finally say, I do, in fact, from time to time, get tired of talking about sex. I'm happy for it to be a topic of conversation, but not constantly the dominant one. I spend my whole working life talking and writing about sex, so in my 'down time' I like to have a break. I love it when someone changes the conversation to "So I went to this great restaurant the other night ..." or even, strangely enough, "How about this weather we're having!".
That it's the most natural thing in the world so therefore we don't need to talk about it, read about it, learn about it or change it. There are so many myths like, 'older people don't have sex', 'only good looking people have great sex', 'people with disabilities aren't sexual', 'sex can't be improved', 'men are studs who initiate sex and women are passive gatekeepers of sex', 'sex loses it's passion and variety after marriage and if not then, after children!' The truth is that sex gets better and better: if you pay attention, and prioritise it!
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